Saturday, April 10

Shifts

Sometimes I want to run away, to leave heavy dull reality behind, and isolate myself in my imagination for awhile. There, it seems, I could fertilize and attune and feel out my inner states once again. My personality seems like a giant kite that I am trying to ride in the winds, constantly feeling for points of balance in its spars, constantly losing them.

But reality became heavy and dull through a similar hermetic project. I sought to make my life more regular and even, I desired monotony and peace, thinking that when my daily life took that form, the essential would be revealed, would shine out. It didn't quite work that way. Or did it? As Shunryu Suzuki said, the most important thing is to find out what is the most important thing. In the face of that, it seems appropriate to be left in an ambiguous muddle.

I love what I love because it reminds me of what I love. And what I love does not quite exist. I am relieved to come back into an experience of the beloved, like coming into or out of an eclipse. I no longer am far from God, attempting to argue myself into remembering what it was like. I lie back and feel, in a subtle way, my body beaming with light. Hovering above me, in what you might call my mind's eye (or mind's body, with many senses), is again an oval face; a cheek to stroke, a gaze to drift past, footsteps. Or on another night, a sensible wise voice behind my ear. And on a deeper level than these perceptions comes another change. I find the point of balance on the spars, and the point is enormous, inescapable, profound. Still I can feel the thin wooden spar of my current personality shake and shift in the wind. Even in this state, I can still feel my weakness, my thin dryness, my vulnerability in the midst of so much energy. Somehow the true self, giant and light, is hung on this delicate, unreliable frame.


The presence of the one you love makes you forget that which is not important. If worries crowd in, clamoring, contemplate again that oval face that does not need to be quite there. The presence of the one you love is itself the solution, assuring you that in love every trouble that can come will be undone. Contemplate the one you love and allow for coalescence.

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